To cope, how do you do it?

On Tuesday, the pain in my lower back crept in, I have been pretty much problem free for a month (herniated disc-sciatica) and my back and body are needed to cope with work, house and family. There is nothing as insanely difficult as nerve pain and it completely wears me out, my patience is thin because you are trying to hold it together.

On Tuesday I felt that my back hurt but I think it's because we sat all day (training at work), the next day I felt even more as the hours went by and towards the evening really bad, last night it was difficult to sleep, it can hardly turn or move and if you sneeze it is a near death experience. The panic about it makes it even worse when you think about how the hell I'm going to be able to work and work is a must, just cry into a pillow and move on.

Had to take strong painkillers this morning to cope, I can barely stand pills and it makes me drunk for two days, but to cope it's a must. So right now I'm sitting here feeling a little drunk and thinking about how the weekend job will work.

Pain and limitations really piss me off and I can't accept when the body does this, I neither want nor feel like it, maybe this is my driving force to endure?

But if the truth is to come out, I cry inside, no one sees but the pain is insane. I don't want to be home from work, I want to do my job and I also have a high work ethic, so who the hell can afford to be home these days?

I get a bad conscience when I'm annoyed but I can't help it, pain makes you go inside yourself to stay on your feet, I can only imagine how a child feels when the body tells you, how does Freja feel actually? No one knows but with time she can explain the feeling better. Right now, she keeps everything to herself most of the time.

The sun is shining out there and today I just want to cry because I get so angry and disappointed in myself and why is my body not holding up? I can't be in pain because I need my body and my strength, I don't want to be or be limited but it will pass but I wish it would now!

Nah, now I'll take care of lunch, thought I'd sit down and write a bit later.

Love and respect

Petra